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11/6/2009 内心的焦虑感内心的焦虑感并没有随着时间的推移而消失。不知道从什么时候开始习惯了把事情装在心上，时时刻刻悬着一颗心去做该做的事。当这种压迫感消失的时候反而觉得不正常。没什么好担心的反而成了我的负担。生活是如此艰难，即便如履薄冰地踏出每一步还是有未知的风险。未来不在自己的掌握之中，尽自己的最大努力能达到的上限也不在自己的掌握之中。唯一可以掌控的只有此刻的行为，今日的所作所为是不是不会让明天的自己懊悔？我没办法解决那么多问题，甚至没办法令自己精神的长时间保持在稳定的状态。生活是如此艰难。 5/3/2009 Do I really have to ...?Do I really have to abandon the ideal life pattern I dream about all these years? Do I really have to throught away the music that inspired me, the movie that enlightened my thoughts to live like everyone else? What about I don't wanna live like that? Do I really have to follow their path? Why I live and why I die. It becomes a question that bugs me every now and then. Try not to look at it but just can't stare away. Do I really have to dedicate to someone/something to make myself happier? Is it the ppl/the deed that matters or just the dedication itself means a lot to me ? 2/28/2009 写在2009年2月的最后一天早起发现外面仍然是不住的雨，心里未免开始烦起来。这雨已经下了一周似乎没有停的意思。 但是OFFER RAIN却没有如我梦想一样来临。每天早起焦灼地开邮箱，像两年前一样刷出的却是REJ LETTERS。原本已经安抚平静的情绪又开始燥郁。有时回家已经12点，躺在床上望着天花板上拧在一起的吊灯，一望就是一个小时。应该渐渐懂得那不是我能走的路了。即使自己多向往多努力，方向似乎都有些偏差，怎么用力也矫正不过来。 其实现在的结果应该从那时起已经决定，大四的时候毅然的选择从原来的专业跳出来。后来顺利的考研，又让我重拾对自己的信心，又开始妄想着这样那样不同的生活。殊不知都是假象。再到后来恍惚的两年，放纵自己换来失败的生活失败的感情失败的一切。到毕业的时候看到周围的同学拥有了理想的工作和稳定的感情，看看自己手上却什么也没有。只好在毕业的餐会上忍不住大声的哭起来，直看得周围一干人莫名其妙。多么可悲的人生！ 更可悲的是，工作以后依然怀揣着这样不切实际的目标，以为自己努力就可以做到。每天除去上班下班，晚上花个把小时的时间便想作出同别人一样的成绩。即便仰赖着教授循循的教导，我仍然有心无力。直到今天，工作快两年了，CPA没有考，没时间考虑感情的事，我所有的，只是一把GT成绩，一堆复习了N遍的习题，一摞无用的成绩单，还有邮箱里塞满的REJ LETTER。哦，差点忘记说，还有持续了快1年每日抑郁焦虑的心情，哈，唯一值得高兴的事我目前还能控制自己的行为。 多可悲的人生！从前每天要大笑10-20次的我，从前只要一看书或者电影就心情惬意的我，从前每天早上起床都对生活充满憧憬的我，已经找不到了。 我真的失掉令自己幸福的能力了。就是那种永远不知餍足，贪婪的个性令我自己失掉幸福的权利。我的人生多可悲! 5/23/2008 天涯是个好地方Finaly understand why LAOHU said "never gets to fall in love too soon"
It could at least protect myself for a while
I don't remember for how long I didn't watch a romatic movie
Every time they talked about 奋斗 I ask Q for characters and plots of it
I couldn't convince me to believe in sth broken
Yes, after reading the blog in tianya this afternoon, I felt terrible
The story was already not about man and woman and ugly stuff
And no philosophy could apply to resolve the kind of situation
On one hand is love and responsibility, on the other, desire for freedom as a man
Normaly we blame the one who abandon morality and responsibility.
But simply longing for freedom seems to justify every action that follows.
On balancing the two, we walk the line carefully so that no to hurt anyone.
However, did those who rush to defend the desire for freedom notice the negative externality brought to the people who love u?
If u cannot give, don't. But don't seduce others to offer.
If u cannot love, don't. But never use resposibility as an excuse.
If u cannot commit, don't. But don't lie to the one loves u.
4/13/2008 I'll be fineI said to myself,
'u will be fine just like this. don't ever expect anything happier. Cause u don't deserve it.'
Wish every friend around me to be happy forever.
They get married. They travel around the world. They meet someone and fall in love. They succeed in life and career.
But I am not looking forward to the day that I could find my true life and love.
There is no such day. 3/23/2008 love is drugLove is drug. I am obsessed with the illusion love brings me.
Suddenly the movie reminds me of all the good and bad things in the past.
There is uglyness in a love affair, but love itself is nothing but beautiful.
This morning, the old feeling was back.
I was lying in my bed, hearing my mom's voice waking me up, like from a thousand miles away.
Then I sat up, wondering where all those romantic sences I was in went.
Nothing at that moment really mattered except for an idea of falling in love with some peticular guy.
I was trapped by this flash of idea for a while, and the feeling of being trapped by this idea was so familiar and pleasant that it made me realize in the past two years, I'd been in that illusion almost all the time.
It was bad for mental health. I told myself. Actually I could just get high, the same level of doing drugs, simply on falling in love. 12/24/2007 onceOnce in a life time
That's the thing you will never regret
What we really chasing after is the one and the only one experience
Irreplicatable, irreplacable, irreversible.
Sometimes I just wondering on the cold street, coming cross with different types of lovers.
Is there anyting that I haven't been through?
Maybe that's what I am after.
Call me high, call me overhigh or whatever.
Don't you ever categorized me in any kind you know of.
'Cause I don't give a sh*t to the patition of mankind.
Don't you ever define me as any kind you've recongnized.
I don't mind 'cause I don't care. 7/24/2007 the west wing精彩对白JOSH: I really think I'm the best judge of what I mean, you paranoid Berkeley shiksta feminista!
[beat] Whoa. That was way too far.
C.J.: No, no. Well, I've got a staff meeting to go to and so do you, you elitist, Harvard fascist missed-the-Dean's-list-two-semesters-in-a-row Yankee jackass!
JOSH: Feel better getting that off your chest there, C.J.? C.J.: I'm a whole new woman. 好过瘾……C.J.的语速之快令人不得不佩服啊。 3/3/2007 the age of innocence直到年事已高
ARCHER仍耿耿于怀那年ALLEN海边的背影
如果那时的她转过身
接下来的几十年生活应会是另一番光景吧
这部被朋友们戏谑为过份文艺的电影
其中的张力是隐性的
沉默和无声的呼喊
都淹没在看似纯真的眼神中
想要挣脱枷锁的人
最后还是被自己的心困在了原地
不能抗拒DANIEL DAY-LEWIS修长的手指和微红的关节
不能抗拒MICHELE PFEIFFER动人心魄的微笑 2/27/2007 感觉,原则
感性,理性
轻逸,沉重
乐观,悲观
我想相信,美好一定还在
我还想相信,爱是永恒的
怎么说服自己?
龟坐在桌子的那边
看着我说
你知道吗?你不该经历这些
好孩子不该经历这些艰难的时刻
RENEE隔着餐桌
缓缓的说
你知道吗?是因为你没有健康的经历
才叫自己失去了信念
不能再期待有个人带我走出现在的困境
带我离开困绕我已久的生活
there is a wisdom
let it go 2/19/2007  Artist: Skye Edwards
Album: Mind How You Go [2006]
Morcheeba前主唱的离团后的首张专辑.
声音一如既往的舒缓沉静
比较流行的编曲方式
是会热卖的专辑
只要不象专业乐评人那么苛求
这终归是一张悦耳又悦心的音乐
毕竟
声音的悦耳和深刻
有时候只能取其一
背景放上专辑中第八首
All the promises
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